By Sejal Shah | Posted: December 03, 2019
In any close and intimate relationship, blame games are very common. There are times when you might blame your partner, and times when your partner blames you. When troubles come up, it’s easier to place all the blame on your partner in the heat of the moment, even if you know it's not entirely his or her fault. None of us ever really wants to be wrong. But if you really care for your relationship, it's important to let go of the tendency of being always right for the sake of your relationship. This desire to be right and to play the blame game can completely take away all the juiciness and sweetness of your relationship.
Spiritual master Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar often gets people seeking his guidance about relationships, and he has touched on our tendency to play the blame game many times. Here’s what he has to say about relationship conflicts, overcoming pride, and learning to be humble and work together when issues arise.
Overcoming the tendency to blame
When you get angry and you want to blame somebody for your problems, you often feel a heavy load on your head. You might feel uncomfortable inside, and so you spread unpleasant feelings all around you, too. Putting blame on your loved ones does not bring you anything positive in return. Instead, owning responsibility for all your experiences in life makes you powerful, and will put an end to grumbling, planning counter-attacks, making excuses, and a whole host of other negative tendencies. When you take responsibility for yourself, you become strong and free.
Here are 5 tips to walk yourself out of the tendency to blame and move towards higher levels of awareness and a more positive way of life.
1. Before blaming someone, analyze why you’re doing it
Are you blaming someone else because you want to correct their behavior? Or are you blaming them because you want to vent your emotions? What is the reason you want to lash out? Why do you want to blame someone else?
If you are just venting your emotions, then frankly, that is reflective of your own immaturity and lack of control over your own mind. Analyzing the reasons you want to blame someone can help you identify your own areas for growth.
2. Recognize that constant blaming causes emotional numbness
What is the use of blame? If you accuse someone of causing trouble, and if that person is really the culprit, you can certainly provoke a response that leads to an argument. However, if you keep blaming them for everything, this person can become numb to it; they simply stop caring. Suppose someone is a real thief, and you keep telling him, ‘You are a thief’—you are wasting your time blaming him, because every time you say it, it has less impact. Eventually, this accusation doesn’t touch him at all.
A true culprit doesn’t get affected by accusations. Instead of blaming them, take this opportunity as an exercise for you to maintain your equanimity and your inner balance.
3. Realize that blame reflects a lack of communication
If your intention is to correct a person, you cannot correct them through accusation. You can only correct them with love, compassion, and communication. Blame means no communication.
If someone is actually to blame for something, and you want to correct them, you can only do it through communication. And if he or she is not a real culprit, then the whole exercise of blame is futile.
4. Switch from blame to constructive criticism
Blaming out of anger, jealousy, or hatred does not work. It does not yield any results. If you want to correct the person or help them improve, give constructive criticism or feedback with compassion. When a criticism is paired with compassion and care, then it works.
5. Blame the planets rather than the person
This may sound funny, but it is so useful. I, personally, have benefited a lot from this point of view! This has saved my relationships from turning a vicious cycle of blame and bitterness. Have a look at this short video clip and see what Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar has to say.
How do you deal when you are blamed
How does it feel to you when someone accuses you of causing harm? Do you feel some heaviness? Usually, when someone blames you, you feel hurt, angry, or sad. But know that when someone blames you, it is often out of ignorance of the situation or of themselves. Take this opportunity to inform and educate the other person, and then just let go.
1. Drop your resistance
When someone blames you, what do you usually do? Blame them back, right? This is a natural defense mechanism. When someone blames you, they actually take away some negative karma from you. If you understand this and don’t put up resistance but rather feel happy about it, then you drop your resistance. You might think, “Oh, good. That person is blaming me. Good. Something is going away.” When you drop the resistance, your karma is released. Outwardly, you may resist, but inside, if you don’t resist, and feel happy, thinking “Oh, good, somebody is there to blame me and take some negative karma,” you will feel immediately lighter.
When someone blames you and you put up resistance in your mind, and you react, then you are not allowing them to take away your negative karma. Usually, when someone blames you, you feel you must defend yourself. This is all because you’re . . . resisting. What you resist persists.
2. Smile, educate and ignore
This short video clip explains how when you feel blamed, the best things to do are to smile, educate, and sometimes even ignore.
3. Have compassion: know that blaming hurts the blamer more
The ignorant person tells someone, “Don’t blame me because it hurts me.” An enlightened person also says “Don’t blame me.” Do you know why? Because it might hurt you. This is a beautiful point. You get hurt because you resist the blame. When someone blames you, you resist it inside. Outside you may not resist, but inside when you resist, then that hurts you.
An ignorant person warns you, “You better not hurt me, you better not blame me because I will feel hurt.” Someone might warn you not to blame them because it will hurt them, and they might do something harmful to in revenge.
An enlightened person says, “Don’t blame me because it will hurt you.” So here you say, don’t blame because of compassion. You can tell someone “don’t blame me” out of compassion, or you can say it out of anger.
4. Don’t eternalize
“You always come late”...“You never bring the things which I tell you to bring.” Sound familiar? Human minds have this amazing tendency to eternalize any problem by using words like ‘always’ and ‘never’.
Gurudev says that when you eternalize a problem, it means you lack the skills to deal with what is happening. These are the only two aspects to it. So skilfully handle these situations and learn not to eternalize them.
5. Give room for imperfection
Everybody has the right to be imperfect. You should accept others’ imperfections and your own imperfections as well. When you do not accept peoples’ imperfections, you can become angry. And when you do not accept your own imperfections, you feel guilty, and then you become angry at yourself. Both situations are not healthy or productive. Keep a little space in life for imperfections, and just move on when small problems arise. Do not get stuck in the past.
Above all, be patient and come out winners together
Finally, it is so important to know that nobody ever wins the blame game. If you're in a mutually nurturing and healthy relationship, there's no such thing as a winner and a loser. When you work together as a team with common goals and listen and support each other even during conflicting times, you both come out winners.
If you have patience, then you can turn any situation, event, or place into heaven. If you lack patience, you will make heaven into hell. It’s impatience that destroys situations and the environment. Learn to accept other people’s points of view, and above all, be patient, as no endeavor or relationship will be successful without patience.
Sejal Shah, E-YRT 500 Sri Sri Yoga Teacher, YACEP, Meditation Teacher, Happiness expert, NYU Post Graduate Medical School approved Yoga-CME retreat facilitator, Mind-Body Wellness Writer, Homeopath. She can be followed on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
