A toxic person has a sickness. The toxicity in him is a deficiency in wisdom. It has to do with the person’s background, lack of understanding, ignorance and lack of spiritual knowledge. You need to act with wisdom when dealing with a person who you feel is hurting you.
Responding to Toxicity, not Reacting
The human mind swings between victim consciousness and culprit consciousness. Neither is healthy in any relationship. Both will destroy intimacy. If you feel you are a victim, you cannot have a normal relationship. If you feel guilty that you have done something wrong and you are a culprit, then also you cannot have a normal relationship.
You need to find a fine balance between the two and move yourself away from all the action. Be a witness, if only for a few minutes every day. Inner awareness can help you act with wisdom.
A relationship should come from a space of contributing, not demanding. Then it will be nurturing. If it is in the form of what you can take from the other person, the relationship will be disturbing. But when you go with this attitude, “I am going to be part of this person. I will contribute whatever I can,” then the relationship can be healthy.
The human mind swings between victim consciousness and culprit consciousness. Both are not healthy in any relationship.
– Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
Cheating Spouses
Why does a person cheat on his or her spouse? It’s because they lack higher joy and satisfaction. The heart yearns for the old but the mind runs for new things. You take pride in an old friend and a new computer, not a new friend and an old computer.
The mind gets joy from new things. But it’s not sustainable. The person who cheats doesn’t know why this happens. They have no higher context to life – that they are a beautiful source of energy, part of something very big.
What hurts you most is when someone you love lies. But you must know that they value your love more than telling the truth. They are scared they may lose your love. The fear makes them tell lies.
If you don’t value love so much, why would you bother to tell lies? You have to create the space so they open their heart and communicate.
With your mother, that space is there. You know your mother will not reject you. So you tell her everything, most times. Can the relationship in the marriage be similar? Can you create that space in marriage?
Easier to Forgive than Not
Is it very difficult to forgive your spouse for something he or she has done that seems unforgivable? When something is too difficult why do you have to do it? Is there a benefit to doing it? Is it easier to hold on to things? If you are forgiving someone, you have to ask for whose sake you are forgiving.
What hurts you most is when someone you love lies. But you must know that they value your love more than truth.
– Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
Don’t do anything for their sake. If you are forgiving a person for your own sake, you better do it because otherwise that person occupies your upper chamber and bothers you day and night. Your anger is the punishment that you give to yourself for someone else’s mistake.
How do You Know if a Relationship is Good or Bad for You?
Before you judge someone, see how you relate to them. How big a heart you have to accommodate them.
The analogy of parallel lines is best here. If two lines are moving parallel, they go for infinity. But if they’re focused on each other they will cross. If they are moving away, they’ll go far away from each other. Relationships are similar.
If you want relationships to remain forever, you should have a common goal and not focus on each other or police each other. If your focus is only on each other, one day you will be honey and the next day you will be bitter to the other person. With a common goal, you will be able to accomplish things better and the relationship will be sustained.
The Breaking Point
To get hurt or not is your choice. Be compassionate. Give the spouse a warning. Tell them you can’t go on getting hurt and that it is making you sad.
Ask the person, “Are you conscious of what you are saying? Is it your intention to hurt me?”
Give them one, two or even three chances. Then you decide if you want to save your mind instead. If their behaviour is not good, then either you see that they are not ok and that they are sick. Or if the chemistry is not matching, then you say, “You have your life. I have mine. We cannot go on like this.” And you move on.
Life was okay before the relationship. It will be okay after the relationship too.
– Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
Coping With the Split
When a relationship breaks, you get very heartbroken. But wake up and see! Before the relationship, you were alive and kicking. You were laughing. You were smiling. You were happy. Remember the days before you met the person and started a relationship. Life was okay then. It will be okay after the relationship too.
You went around and came back to the same place – a full circle. Don’t be upset about it. That relationship is done.
